I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
