I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
