What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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