Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
