I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
