Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize