Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
