that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
