ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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