my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Randomize
