It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
