I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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