i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
