Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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