i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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