i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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