Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
