First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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