Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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