Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
