at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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