And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
