I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
