Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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