I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
