I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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