Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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