Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
i think im in europe. pls send help
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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