you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
