I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
