I smell stomach acid.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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