omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
