I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
