hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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