I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
