Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
