i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
