she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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