If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
