just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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