1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Randomize
