i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Don't EVER smell your tampon
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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