I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Randomize
