The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Randomize
