When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize