Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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