after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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