So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize