shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
