You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
