I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
