Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
