I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
