shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
