I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Randomize