I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
