I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
